haha.

only when something is so completly wrong, can you find the right. its sad, but its the only way.

i felt so alone, like i thought i had no one there for me. sure people were there, and they care. theyre supposed to, if they dont, they'll be legally corrupt. a.k.a. parents. but my friends, the people you CHOOSE to be your family, theyre the ones who hurt most if theyre not there i think. i just want to write you in a song, put your smile on paper so you can sing along. its all mind games, and stupid puzzles, that if you dont get right once, you're gonna pay for it, in the long run for the amount of time they set out for you to suffer. they control your suffering, and you have to give in because you care so much. music is the only thing that is always ALWAYS going to be there. you just have to download or pay the label. upload your little megabytes of vibrations, dont forget to charge your ipod and press play. it's always gonna make you smile, cry, and sigh. complement your life, or completly dismember your heart. but the tracks differentiate into every emotion, whatever you feel, you click on the song. you want to: FUCK THE WORLD, fall in love <3, feel powerful, dance, cry, have a heartbeat, skip a heartbeat, remember, forget. its all there. when i was there on the gurney, with only pictures to "remind" myself of the friends i had, and how many of them actually cared. i just turned the pictures off and put on The Beatles. and believe it or not, i didnt feel lonely. lol. yeah.

the heart can never ever win in these sorts of situations..

i loved him,
and he left.
its not like he wanted to but he had to.
it wasnt healthy for him or me.
so i guess it was good.
a good decision, but it tears me apart.
even the best decisions in the world
its not meant to be, i tell myself this over and over and over and over again.
it was supposed to be like this, this is what someone or something set out for me.
i'm supposed to hurt. cos i mean things cant get any worse when im at rock bottom.
but man, they were wrong.
you want to move on, you want to feel happy again, cos you're so damn tired of crying and resenting and asking what if, what if. and its just being in love with a dream, a fucking fantasy.
and i cant let it go.
sure its not supposed to be but i never wanted anything more in my life.
like its like someone just comes with a knife, takes a piece of you.
and burns it.
you can never get it back
but i miss it.

alas, theres someone else.
who has the same problem.
but he doesnt want to let go.

..
i cant win.
ever.
i want him, he wants her, now i miss the other him, and he, i dont know. but i can bet you a trillion dollars he's gotten over me.

the one left with nothing AGAIN. is me.
but you know, ive gotten so used to the heartbreak, its like
a math problem ive dealed with before
sure its complicated, but now i have the formula, which i can use YET again.
it sucks.
"its not meant to be"

if nothings not meant to be,
then why try anymore?
it stinks.

why?

this blog is my need.
i NEED to express what i feel.
i mean i do that by song
and lyrics.
but i need like some sort of diary
some journal.
a blog!
perfect.
i will write about nonsense
about things you relate to
about things you've never heard of before
i wont write lyrics
for the fear of them being stolen :(
its a new sort of copyright.
i will put up pictures, maybe just maybe
if it helps to prove what im trying to get through.
but this is simply
just a blog about comments.
of the world, of the heart, of the way life is up
and how it is down.
so, i do my blog for me
and you read it, for you :)